Sosai X-Mas
by transmutejun
Summary: Sosai X doesn't understand Earth holidays, but it seems like a good time to strike...
1. Post-Trials Hexo-Rotation 8976324967B

Post-Trials Hexo-Rotation 8976324.9.67B

I have received a message from Selectol. My superiors there are displeased with my lack of progress in taking control of Earth. I share their disappointment: I am frustrated by the manner in which Berg Katse is failing to live up to the promise he showed as a child. However, this is difficult to explain across galaxies, when those of my race can barely comprehend the notion that the pedantic, form-bound beings who overrun this planet are capable of intelligent thought, much less organizing and standing up to our incredible intellect. My brethren are unable to see for themselves the problems I face, both in the surprising resilience and adaptability of my foes, and in the physical limitations on my body, due to this cursed yellow sun. Its powerful rays force me to remain hidden in ice, unable to emerge or even transport myself to other locations. It frustrates me that I have to rely on these pathetic humans, and because of this, I have little to show for my time here on this wretched planet.

The Selectol Council has suggested that I keep a record of my activities here, so that they can understand what it is I have to deal with. Among our species, failure is simply not possible, given our massive intellects and enormous powers. Failure is for lesser races, not for us. Of course, it is my reliance on these lesser races that results in the failure to take control of Earth, so it is something I must explain.

As such, I am beginning my activity record with the submission of this report.


	2. November 23, Year 34

November 23, Year 34

I have recorded a conversation with my direct underling, Berg Katse, to illustrate what it is I deal with on a daily basis. The transcription of this conversation follows.

X: Why have you taken so long to come to me, Katse? I summoned you some time ago!

Katse: My deepest apologies, Sire. I was at Ghost Island, supervising the construction of our latest mecha. It took some time for me to travel here to Cross Karakorum.

X: Time! You know nothing of time, Katse! You are able to travel, not I. The least you could do would be to come immediately when I call!

Katse: I did, Sosai, I assure you.

X: If you say so. I am inclined to disbelieve your words, but that is of no matter at the moment. We are far behind schedule in taking control of the Earth. It is of critical importance to my race that we achieve this goal as quickly as possible! What progress have you made toward implementing my plans?

Katse: The mecha is nearly complete, Sosai! We will be attacking New Jork within a few hours. The downtown city center will be decimated, and the citizens will be begging for mercy after the majority of their number have been killed.

X: Why not just kill them all? They're only humans.

Katse: Well, we need minions, my Lord. As I have explained before, our troop numbers are on a constant decline, and our men need to be replenished.

X: Which is entirely _your_ fault, Katse. You are the one who is constantly losing men!

Katse: That cannot be helped, Sire. When the Science Ninja Team destroys…

X: The Science Ninja Team? Bah! They are weak humans. You have assured me that they can be defeated. Surely you are capable of doing this, Katse?

Katse: Of course, Sosai! But they are clever, and they have the ISO behind them. It will take some time.

X: So we're back to this, are we? [Sighs] You have had enough time! I want results, now! I need something to put into my report!

Katse: And you will have results, Sire. I am certain of it! This mecha will have New Jork at its mercy before the Science Ninja Team can even assemble, much less arrive on scene!

X: It had better. [Grumbles]

Katse: My Lord, what did you mean by… a report?

X: A report, Katse! You're making one right now! Don't you even know what that is?

Katse: Of course, Sosai, but… I just never imagined you as being someone who would have to make a report. After all, you are the most powerful being on this planet.

X: That means nothing in the scope of the universe, Katse. There are others from my planet who wish to know of the delays we are experiencing in subduing the Earth. They cannot understand why we have not yet accomplished our goals. They wish me to write regular reports of what is happening here and post them to the public Selectol media, where others of my kind may understand the trials and tribulations I deal with on a daily basis.

Katse: So you're writing a blog?

X: Of course not! Nothing so trivial! I would never… Wait… What is a 'blog'?

Katse: It is an online site where an individual posts regular reports and opinions for public consumption.

X: Well, I suppose that definition fits…

Katse: May I see what you have so far?

X: Of course not! This is… Oh, all right.

Katse: You can't do this.

X: Can't do what?

Katse: You can't report using post-trials hexo-rotation dates. That's how time is measured on Selectol. You need to use Earth dates.

X: But I'm not from Earth.

Katse: Still, you are reporting about Earth. To make them understand, you need to use Earth dates.

X: All right. What day is it?

Katse: November 23rd, 20…

X: No, stop. I don't need the year. November 23 is sufficient.

Katse: But you need the year!

X: I know the year. It is the thirty-fourth year since I came to this wretched planet.

Katse: But on Earth…

X: I refuse to count years from the time some useless human was born!

Katse: That 'useless human' was probably the most influential person to live on this planet in its entire history!

X: And here I thought that _you_ were the most influential human to ever live on this planet. After all, you will be the one to bring this planet under the rule of Galactor, which will change Earth's destiny forever!

Katse: Well, I suppose that's true.

X: And you had better get going if you plan to do this anytime soon. Don't you have a city to attack?

Katse: Yes, Sire! I will be back with a report of our victory very soon!

X: It had _better_ be a victory.


	3. November 24, Year 34

November 24, Year 34

The following day I received a disturbing report from my underling.

X: Why have you taken so long to come to me, Katse? You know that I have been awaiting word of Galactor's latest offensive!

Katse: Yes, well… about that, Sosai…

X: Are you telling me that you have failed, Katse? _Again?_

Katse: But it wasn't my fault! No one was outside! They were all indoors!

X: I don't understand. If no one was outside, how did this cause the failure of the attack?

Katse: The whole point of the attack was to kill civilians in the streets and terrorize them into accepting the domination of Galactor! But there was no one in the streets!

X: Did someone warn them of the attack? Did you give them enough time to cower in shelters?

Katse: No, Sosai. They were all inside for a holiday.

X: Holiday? What is that?

Katse: A holiday. Don't you have holidays on Selectol? A day when everyone stops working to celebrate some aspect of your culture?

X: If everyone were to stop working, our planet would fall into chaos! This is nonsense Katse! You're telling me lies to cover up your own failure!

Katse: No, Sosai, it's true! I swear it! On Earth, every country has special days where the businesses close and people celebrate. The celebrations differ based on the day. Some holidays are celebrated all over the world, while others may be restricted to a certain country.

X: This sounds like a fishy story to me.

Katse: Do you remember Halloween? I was trying to explain it to you!

X: When was this?

Katse: About four weeks ago. You were asking me why the men were cutting up pumpkins.

X: You told me it was so they could cook them!

Katse: Well yes, the cooks baked the insides and made them into pumpkin pies, and they roasted the seeds. But the primary reason for carving pumpkins is to make Jack 'o Lanterns, to celebrate Halloween.

X: It does sound vaguely familiar…. [Grumbles] What was the purpose of this, again?

Katse: Halloween is a day when people dress up in costumes and carve Jack 'o Lanterns to frighten away the evil spirits who roam the Earth on that night.

X: What kind of evil spirits?

Katse: Those who want to kill humans.

X: Sounds like Galactor.

Katse: Well, I suppose, if you think of it in that way…

X: We wear costumes and kill humans every day. And the cooks cut up fruits and cook them every day. How is this Halloween any different from that?

Katse: Well, you have a point, but for people outside of Galactor, it's different.

X: If they were all part of Galactor, this foolishness could cease.

Katse: Ah, yes, Sire. But getting back to the topic at hand, I had forgotten that there was a holiday today in Ameris. It's an obscure event, only celebrated by that country. Well, in Kanada too, but they do it on a different day.

X: What kind of holiday is this? Were people cutting up fruits?

Katse: Actually, they were cutting up turkeys.

X: Turkeys? What are those?

Katse: Well, they're birds, Sosai, with long beaks and a wattle… uh… actually, they kind of look like you. Except they're not blue.

X: You're saying that the Amerisians desecrate my image by cutting it up?

Katse: No! No, Sosai! I'm certain that the vast majority of them have no idea that you bear any resemblance to their turkeys! These are real birds that they cook and eat. They cut them up after they have cooked them, for serving.

X: So they only eat these birds once a year, on this holiday?

Katse: No, I think they eat them regularly.

X: So why is this day special?

Katse: It is my understanding that they all gather their families together for a feast, and eat one of these turkeys. This is why there was no one in the streets: they were all eating turkey with their families.

X: And what is the name of this holiday?

Katse: Thanksgiving.

X: Thanks… giving? I don't understand this, Katse.

Katse: Apparently they give thanks.

X: Thanks? For what? They are not yet a part of our glorious vision! They shouldn't have anything to be thankful for.

Katse: I'm not certain, Sosai.

X: And what do roasted birds have to do with being thankful?

Katse: Well, I know I would be very thankful if a certain five birds were roasted…

X: What did you say, Katse?

Katse: Nothing, Sosai.

X: Explain to me the significance of this holiday, Katse.

Katse: I cannot, Sosai. It is not a holiday with which I am entirely familiar. Regardless, the citizens of New Jork were away, having their holiday feasts, during our attack, which meant that none of them were frightened enough to flee. Additionally, casualties were almost non-existent, because New Jork is primarily a business district, and few people live within the city itself.

X: So what happened?

Katse: By the time we had determined what was wrong and had set a new target, the Science Ninja Team had been alerted to our presence and had engaged us.

X: I am guessing that this engagement did not go well?

Katse: No.

X: Katse, what am I to do with you? You have an intellect far beyond other puny humans, yet you seem unable to use it for its true purpose. If I didn't know better, I would say that you were being purposely dense!

Katse: It is not intentional, Sosai.

X: I should hope not! Hmph! Clearly, you are unable to devise an appropriate attack on your own. I shall have to intercede.

Katse: Whatever you wish, my Lord.

X: This 'holiday' idea of yours does intrigue me, however. Perhaps it could be incorporated.

Katse: I agree! Holiday attacks are always the most devastating, and have the strongest effect on public morale.

X: When is the next holiday, Katse?

Katse: Well, I would have to look up that data. I believe there is a holiday celebrated somewhere on the planet nearly every day.

X: No, not some piddly event, like this Amerisian Thanksgiving thing. I want a big holiday! Something that is celebrated over most of the planet! Something to make the people of Earth tremble when they learn that Galactor has destroyed what they once held so dear!

Katse: I suppose that would be Christmas, Sire. It is held in about a month, and is celebrated to some degree by most countries around the planet.

X: What does this holiday represent?

Katse: It celebrates the birth of the Messiah, over two thousand years ago, who came to save…

X: Hold on! This isn't that same insignificant being whose birth initiated the counting of years?

Katse: Yes, the same.

X: But I recall historical documents indicating that this human was born in September… and not even in the same year from which the measurement of time's passage initiated.

Katse: That's true. I believe the humans at the time kept inaccurate records. And then when it was decided to celebrate the Messiah's birth, there was a compromise with the pagan festivals…

X: Pagan?

Katse: They didn't believe that he was the true God.

X: He wasn't the true God. I am the only God on Earth.

Katse: That is true, but back then they did not know of your existence.

X: Regardless, they were correct not to believe that he was God.

Katse: But some of them did, and they set the Christmas holiday to coincide with the pagan festivals, to convert more believers.

X: Integrating with current practices to infiltrate at a cultural level. Hmmm… I can appreciate this strategy. So the Christmas holiday represents this strategic victory over their opponents?

Katse: No, it celebrates the birth of the Messiah.

X: But you said it was a pagan festival. Why would they celebrate the birth of this human?

Katse: In any case, the meaning of the holiday has become obscured over time. Many people celebrate this holiday without a true understanding of its origins.

X: If they don't understand the holiday, then why do they celebrate it?

Katse: Because it's fun.

X: Fun.

Katse: Yes. People enjoy the rituals and celebrations associated with this holiday.

X: Do you celebrate this holiday, Katse?

Katse: Yes, Sosai.

X: Do you believe this ancient human was God?

Katse: No, obviously you are the most powerful being in the universe, Sosai.

X: In _your_ universe anyway.

Katse: Yes, isn't that what I just said?

X: So why do you celebrate this holiday?

Katse: Well, there are childhood memories…

X: Bah! Coddling waste! Sentimentality has no place in the life of a Galactor leader!

Katse: Yes, of course. But as I said, it's fun.

X: What's fun about it?

Katse: Well, there are presents.

X: Presents to whom?

Katse: To each other. Everyone gives presents to each other.

X: Did you give presents last Christmas?

Katse: Why, yes, all of the men received a bag of roasted chestnuts.

X: You gave presents to all of the men in Galactor service? I'm shocked at you, Katse! What a horrible waste of resources!

Katse: But you see, they were roasted chestnuts, Sire. We reduced food rations for each man to make them _think_ that they were getting a present.

X: Seems like a lot of fuss for nothing.

Katse: But it increased morale among our troops.

X: If you say so. Did you receive any presents?

Katse: Yes, the leaders of many Galactor installations, as well as the presidents of the countries under our control, sent me many lavish gifts.

X: What kinds of gifts?

Katse: Uh… small trinkets.

X: You said they were lavish.

Katse: Well, lavish for them. Small food items, pieces of jewelry, and such.

X: Jewelry is valuable. Did you turn it in to the finance department to use in our efforts to conquer the planet?

Katse: Of course, Sosai! Would I ever hold back anything from you?

X: Sometimes I wonder, Katse.

Katse: I am ever your humble servant.

X: So you say.

Katse: In any case, while these gifts were small, they were enjoyable.

X: So you received some trinkets. This is why people celebrate this holiday?

Katse: Well, there is also Santa Claus.

X: What is Santa Claus?

Katse: Not a what, a who. Santa Claus is a man who brings people presents on Christmas Eve.

X: I thought people gave each other presents on Christmas.

Katse: They do.

X: Then why do they need this Santa Claus person? Is it greed? They want more gifts than others might otherwise give them?

Katse: Well, Santa Claus isn't real.

X: You mean he's a fictional character? Then why did you bring him up?

Katse: He's a significant part of the cultural lore surrounding Christmas. Young children believe in him, that he brings them presents at Christmastime.

X: But that's a lie. The human race condones telling lies to their children in the name of this holiday?

Katse: Well, when you put it that way…

X: If this is true, then why do humans get so upset when they think we are lying to them? It's not like they don't lie to their own offspring!

Katse: It's a peculiarity of our race, Sosai.

X: I can see that. [Grumbles] Fine. Tell me more about this Santa Claus.

Katse: Well, he's supposed to live at the North Pole, with his wife and a bunch of elves.

X: Elves… I remember this. They were those tall, elegant creatures that used bows in that ring film you forced me to watch.

Katse: Well, yes, those were elves, but Santa's elves are different.

X: How so?

Katse: Well, Tolkien elves are tall, beautiful and slim. Santa's elves are short, squat and ugly.

X: So what good are they, then?

Katse: They make toys.

X: Toys? Why would they make toys?

Katse: They make the toys that Santa distributes to the children of the world on Christmas.

X: What a terrible waste of resources! This really is a horror story, Katse. Humans lying to their offspring and wasting resources for fabricated gifts!

Katse: There also the trees…

X: What trees?

Katse: Christmas trees. It is tradition in my homeland to decorate a tree for the holiday.

X: What is the purpose of this tree?

Katse: Aesthetics. Also, it is the place where Santa Claus leaves his gifts.

X: He leaves his gifts in a tree?

Katse: No, under the tree.

X: Outside, in the elements? So not only does Santa Claus waste resources on these toys, but he leaves them outside to be ruined?

Katse: No, the trees are inside.

X: Trees grow outside, Katse. Don't you know anything?

Katse: Yes, trees, grow outside, but for Christmas they are cut down and brought inside.

X: Let me get this straight: resources are wasted on making toys for children, and then further resources are wasted by cutting down trees for no good purpose?

Katse: The Christmas trees are not wasted! After the holiday they are cut up and used for energy purposes.

X: Such as?

Katse: They are burned for fuel, or pulped and used to make paper… things of that nature.

X: Paper. [Snorts] Another wasted resource. Why can't you humans see the value in electronic record-keeping?

Katse: I completely agree, Sosai, but there is a nostalgic attachment to paper.

X: We're getting off topic, Katse. Tell me more about these Christmas trees. I have an idea.


	4. November 30, Year 34

November 30, Year 34

I perfected my plan, then gave it to my underling Katse to carry out. Unfortunately, due to my physical limitations on this planet, I was unable to oversee the execution myself. As a result, I summoned Katse for an account of the progress thus far.

X: How is the project proceeding, Katse?

Katse: Very well, Sosai! But, we have hit a few snags.

X: Snags? There are no snags in my plan!

Katse: It's a wonderful plan, Sosai, even if it is a bit repetitive.

X: Repetitive? You dare insult my strategy?

Katse: Well, we gave out deadly presents before, if you recall. In Franbell.

X: Was that for Christmas?

Katse: Actually yes, it was.

X: I had no idea. No matter. Those presents had deadly gas in them. These are exploding presents.

Katse: Of course. Entirely different.

X: Are you mocking me, Katse?

Katse: I would never mock you, Sosai.

X: Why do I have trouble believing you?

Katse: I am always your loyal servant, Sire.

X: You're my only servant. At least, the only one with whom I can communicate directly.

Katse: Most humans have weak minds, Sosai.

X: I won't argue that point. Now, what are these problems you are experiencing in implementing my plan?

Katse: It's the presents, Sosai. The testing shows that they will explode as expected.

X: This doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Katse: That's not the problem. The problem is that they will explode exactly one hour after deployment.

X: So deploy them one hour before midnight. That will be sufficient time for people to find them and bring them into their homes.

Katse: Not if the presents don't go to their homes, Sosai. What if the presents end up in a public area, like a park, or a commercial district that is closed for the holiday? Then they will explode, and no one will be around to fall victim to Galactor's might.

X: Can you not pre-program the presents with a set location? Launch them to specific co-ordinates? This doesn't seem like rocket science, Katse.

Katse: It is far easier to set all of the presents to target a single location, Sire. That would take only a few minutes. But to reach multiple family residences, the presents must be individually programmed.

X: I thought you told me that many human families will often share a large, single building. What did you call it? Apart-ments?

Katse: Yes, Sosai. I see what you are saying. If we instruct the presents to target apartment buildings, then we can program large groups of them at a time, cutting the work by twenty-fold, or more. And this works well with our plan, because most of the housing units in New Jork are apartment buildings.

X: Then do it, Katse! Why do you have to bother me with these petty details? I thought that I created you to take control of such matters!

Katse: Yes, Sosai. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

X: [grumbles] Useless minion!


	5. December 10, Year 34

December 10, Year 34

Katse was able to accomplish the programming of the present bombs without further incident, but he approached me ten nights later with yet another problem.

Katse: Sosai, I apologize, but there is an additional matter you must attend to with the new mecha.

X: What is it now, Katse?

Katse: It's an issue with the design, Sire.

X: And here I thought you had engineers to figure these things out for you.

Katse: I do, Sosai, but they all say the same thing.

X: And what's that?

Katse: The design we have created is extremely unstable, and it will cost an inordinate amount of fuel to operate.

X: Show me.

Katse: This is the schematic, here.

X: Yes, that's what we designed. It's a Christmas tree.

Katse: Exactly. Apparently this structure has poor aerodynamics, and…

X: Well your problem is obvious. I can't believe you didn't see it!

Katse: What is it? How can we fix this?

X: You've given it the wrong alignment!

Katse: The wrong alignment? I don't understand, Sosai.

X: Have you learned nothing, Katse? And here I thought that tremendous IQ was good for something.

Katse: [Huffs] I know more about mecha engineering than…

X: Than a child? Because even a child could see this! The ship is misaligned! It needs to be rotated ninety degrees!

Katse: Rotated?

X: Pick your jaw up off the floor, Katse. Frankly, I'm disappointed in you. This should never have been brought to me. It is a trivial matter.

Katse: But Sosai, we can't simply rotate this mecha!

X: I know I'll regret asking this, but why not?

Katse: Because it's a Christmas tree!

X: And what does that have to do with anything?

Katse: The pointed end must be on top!

X: Why? It's much more aerodynamically efficient if the pointed end is in the front. Then the wind flows up and around its body…

Katse: But then it will be sideways!

X: It's sideways now.

Katse: No, it's not! Christmas trees always point upward! That's the way they are made!

X: So ours will be better.

Katse: But everyone will laugh!

X: No one will laugh when Galactor destroys humanity and takes over the planet!

Katse: But the whole idea was to take something comforting and familiar from the holiday and turn it into a specter of death, to show the power of Galactor. If the tree is sideways, then no one will see it that way! They'll think of Galactor as fools!

X: They'll see it correctly if they're looking straight up at it.

Katse: But they won't be looking straight up at it! They'll be in their homes…

X: And as such, they may not see the mecha at all. The visual aspect of the orientation hardly matters, Katse. What is important is its operational effectiveness.

Katse: But the interior has been designed with flooring and structures to accommodate a vertical orientation for the tree!

X: Now you're grasping at straws, Katse. You have my advice. Go solve your petty problem.

Katse: [Groans] Yes, Sosai.


	6. December 20, Year 34

December 20, Year 34

Once again, due to my physical limitations on this planet, it was impossible for me to travel to the Ghost Island mecha facility in my corporeal form, and as such, I was forced to leave matters to my underling. However, Katse did not return with any more design problems, and so I presumed that he had followed my advice and changed the orientation of the mecha.

Katse: Everything is moving along smoothly, Sosai.

X: So you took my advice regarding the orientation of the mecha?

Katse: Yes, Sosai. We decided that the ship would point forward for travel, then rotate upon arrival to point upward, so that others could see it as it was intended.

X: How is this accomplished?

Katse: By the use of thrusters and adaptable interiors with articulated joints and…

X: It sounds overly complicated. A waste of resources.

Katse: It will not be, Sosai. I promise you.

X: I've heard your promises before.

Katse: This time it will be different! I promise!

X: Didn't we just cover how worthless your promises are?

Katse: We have solved the problem with the orientation. That's all I'm saying.

X: That's _all_ you're saying? You have nothing else to report?

Katse: Well… there is one other thing.

X: I thought so.

Katse: It's minor, really.

X: If it's that minor, then why are you even bringing it up? A minor problem would have been solved before it was brought to your attention, much less mine.

Katse: It's the Captain, Sosai.

X: The Captain?

Katse: The Captain we have chosen for this assignment. He disapproves of the uniform we have designed.

X: Disapproves of the uniform? What uniform?

Katse: The uniform to go with the mecha.

X: Oh. Ah, yes, now I recall. It was made to resemble the gift-giver…. Satan Claws?

Katse: [Chokes] Santa Claus, Sire. Yes, we designed the uniform to make the Captain look like Santa Claus. After all, he is delivering gifts.

X: And the uniform can't be constructed?

Katse: Oh, no. It's been constructed. But the Captain refuses to wear it. He says that it's childish, and that it makes him look fat.

X: I can't believe you're actually coming to me with these concerns. Do you not know how to solve even the simplest of problems? If he does not comply, execute him! There are plenty more who could take his place.

Katse: Normally, I would agree with you, Sosai, but since we have timed this attack for Christmas Eve, we are on a deadline.

X: And there isn't enough time to train a replacement?

Katse: No, Sosai.

X: And so we must pander to the desires of this upstart?

Katse: I'm afraid so.

X: This man cannot live one minute longer than the conclusion of the attack.

Katse: He will not, Sosai! I promise!

X: Here we go again, with the promises.

Katse: But we still have the problem of designing a costume he will wear.

X: I think I know what to do. I have been studying these Christmas trees, since we last spoke.

Katse: What do you advise, Sosai?

X: The mecha we designed has a star at the forward point of the tree.

Katse: You mean, at the top of the tree. It is only 'forward' when the tree is turned sideways.

X: [Growls] It is forward when the mecha is correctly aligned.

Katse: Of course, Sosai.

X: I have learned that not all Christmas tree have stars in this place. Some of them have 'messengers of God', known as angels.

Katse: [Chokes] You want to dress the Captain as an angel?

X: And what is wrong with my solution?

Katse: It's just that angels are women, and…

X: Angels are both men and women. I have researched this matter myself.

Katse: Yes, but they are perceived as being feminine.

X: Even if this is true, what is wrong with that?

Katse: Men generally don't like being perceived as feminine, Sosai.

X: Why?

Katse: Well… it goes against their identities.

X: You mean they are so insecure in their own identities as men that they do not want to be perceived as being feminine?

Katse: Something like that.

X: Tell him to get over it. Such insecurities are unbecoming of a Galactor officer.

Katse: But Sosai, it's not just him! It's the rank and file. The men will not respect the Captain if they perceive him as being feminine! They will mock him and ignore his commands!

X: Is this truly a problem?

Katse: Yes!

X: Then how do _you_ deal with it?

Katse: Me?

X: Yes. You are both male and female, yet the men listen to your orders.

Katse: Uh…

X: Or do they? Is this why you constantly deliver me failure after failure, Katse? Are the men being insubordinate and ignoring…

Katse: No! Not at all! I rule them with an iron fist! I use might to demonstrate the consequences if my orders are ignored. The men understand that their very lives are at stake!

X: Then do that now.

Katse: Now?

X: This Captain needs to wear the uniform that has been designed. If he dislikes it, he can have the angel uniform. If he refuses both, eliminate him.

Katse: And then who will take his place?

X: You will. I think the angel costume would suit you well.

Katse: But Sosai…!

X: No excuses, Katse! This operation will proceed as planned!

Katse: Yes, Sire.


	7. December 25, Year 34

December 25, Year 34

The remainder of the preparations proceeded according to schedule, and Berg Katse informed me that the would-be Captain had agreed to wear the original uniform that had been designed for him. The attack was launched on December 24, as planned, while I awaited word of our victory. At long last, Katse arrived to deliver a report on the success of our mission.

X: Tell me, Katse! I am eager to hear the results of our attack!

Katse: Yes, Sosai. I regret to tell you that…

X: [Groans] You failed again, didn't you?

Katse: Yes, Sosai.

X: I don't know why I put up with you! I molded you into the perfect humanoid, nurtured you, trusted you! And yet, you only bring me disappointment after disappointment!

Katse: I apologize Sire. Please, let me make it up to you!

X: You can only make it up to me by succeeding! You had every chance on this, Katse! Why could you not accomplish our objective?

Katse: It was the Science Ninja Team, Sosai.

X: The Science Ninja Team? I am sick of hearing about the Science Ninja Team! I think they're just an excuse for your pathetic efforts.

Katse: They're not! Well, I mean, they are the excuse…. this time. They destroyed our mecha.

X: And how were they able to destroy our mecha?

Katse: [Mumbles]

X: Speak up! I can't hear you!

Katse: They used our own weapons against us.

X: What? How could they do such a thing? Did you let them get in control of the ship?

Katse: No, they didn't even board the ship.

X: Then what did they do?

Katse: They found one of the exploding presents before midnight. I gather they were able to hack into the homing signal and reprogram it, installing a virus. And… I don't quite understand how this occurred… they were able to send the same virus to all of the other presents.

X: And what happened then?

Katse: At midnight, the presents returned back to the mother ship…

X: [Sighs] Yes, I can imagine what happened next. Why didn't the Captain attempt to evade the presents?

Katse: He tried, Sosai. But the ship was in the upright orientation, and when he attempted to turn too quickly, its orientation became unstable and it crashed into the ground.

X: I see.

Katse: It was then that the presents hit.

X: I see.

Katse: The good news is that when the mecha fell, it landed on an Amerisian football field. The field was utterly destroyed. Until it is rebuilt, the Amerisians will lack this form of entertainment, courtesy of Galactor!

X: And this is the only good to come out of our efforts?

Katse: Your wish was accomplished.

X: My wish was to have Galactor conquer the planet!

Katse: Not that wish, Sosai. The Captain. You said that he should not live one minute longer than the conclusion of the attack. And he did not.

X: You really are trying desperately to pull something positive from this, aren't you, Katse?

Katse: I gave it my best shot.

X: [Screams] No you didn't!

Katse: But Sosai…!

X: You are an utter, absolute failure! If you had listened to me and oriented the mecha as I suggested, it would have been able to turn! And if you had programmed the present homing system more carefully, the Science Ninja Team would not have been able to hack into it before midnight! And if you had been on that mecha as Captain, you would have been able to deal with the situation yourself when problems arose!

Katse: [Mumbles] Actually, I was on the mecha…

X: You were?

Katse: When I saw the presents coming, I ran to the escape pod.

X: Of course you did. The one talent you have always possessed is knowing when to run.

Katse: Yes, that's true.

X: Except this time.

Katse: What?

X: You have disappointed me for the last time, Katse! Feel the power of my wrath!

Katse: Sosai! [Screams in agony] No! Arrrrgggghhhh!

X: You shall never disappoint me again, you useless piece of filth!

Katse: But Sosai… auugh! There isn't any other…

X: Yes, and why not? Because there were two of you, and you merged yourselves into one! That's your fault as well!

Katse: [Gurgles]

X: But you're right. Fine.

Katse: [Gasps] Thank you, Sosai, glorious leader of…

X: Spare me the pleasantries. If I had any other choice in the matter I would get rid of you immediately. But the other that I am preparing to take your place will not be mature for another fifteen Earth rotations.

Katse: You're replacing me?

X: Tell me why you _shouldn't_ be replaced.

Katse: I will show you, Sosai! You can count on me!

X: Right.

Katse: There's another Earth holiday coming up, in less than a week! It is when the old year turns into the new. In New Jork there is a large ball that drops into the crowd. We could replace the ball with…

X: No more holidays!

Katse: What?

X: No more holidays! I want something new and original, Katse! I want your ideas tested and vetted before you bring them to me! I swear, if there is one more failure…

Katse: You'll replace me?

X: [Snarls] Just go.

Katse: Yes, Sosai.


	8. Post-Trials Hexo-Rotation 8976325295J

Post-Trials Hexo-Rotation 8976325.2.95J

The Selectol Council has responded to my report. They find that this exile is sufficient punishment for my lack of progress. In fact, they acknowledge that it is far worse than anything they could ever have imagined. They have sentenced me to remain in this horrid backwater for the next four hexo-rotations.

I don't know if I can hold out that long.


End file.
